I Like My Magic Like I Like My Coffee
by French class
Summary: Sweetie Belle enters a coffee drinking contest at Sugarcube Corner against Diamond Tiara, then gets REALLY hyper. Meanwhile, Princess Celestia has a bone to pick with Twilight Sparkle. Rated T for mild adult themes and profanity.
1. Prologue

Our story begins at the Cutie Mark Crusaders' clubhouse.

"Well, there goes another failed attempt at getting our cutie marks," Apple Bloom glumly said.

"I guess we'll have to face the truth," Scootaloo replied. The Cutie Mark Crusaders have been trying to earn their cutie marks for two-and-a-half years, but they have failed, getting into a situation with a every attempt for some weird, comical reason. And to add insult to injury, Scootaloo still flies like the chicken she is. "We've tried pretty much everything on this list, from aardvark-sitting to zookeeping."

"How about that one?" Sweetie Belle pointed to an unchecked box.

"NO!" Scootaloo interjected. "That's just illegal!"

"I guess we've tried every logical thing there is." The CMC's sighed. Just then, Apple Bloom had an idea. "How about we try something ILLOGICAL!"

"Like what?" Scootaloo asked. Jeopardy music played as the CMC's thought. Then Sweetie Belle had an idea!

"There's a coffee drinking contest at Sugarcube Corner! Maybe we could enter!"

"No way!"

"Coffee tastes yucky!"

"Well, if you won't help, I'll just do it myself. Sayonara!" Apple Bloom and Scootaloo just stared, mouth agape, as Sweetie Belle walked out the door, in pursuit of Sugarcube Corner.

"It's not illegal, but it sure is illogical," Scootaloo said, then the screen faded to black.

It returned, but this time it was a different image. Twilight Sparkle and Spike were in a hot air balloon, and harmonic music played.

_My Little Pony, My Little Pony, ahhhh-_

_My Little Pony_

_I used to wonder what friendship could be-_

_I think you know what I mean. We'll be right back after these commercial messages. Or, for you who have it on DVD, wait for the next chapter._


	2. Spike's Wings

And we're back with the show, or with another chapter... you know, screw this. On with the show.

* * *

Twilight Sparkle was just minding her own business one day when Spike came out of nowhere.

"Spike! Where the hay did you come from?"

"C'mon, Twilight. You know I take those seven-hour bubble baths every other week!"

"Sorry, Spike. You scared me there. So, what's up with you?"

"Nice wings you've got there!"

Twilight was eating hot wings while Spike was gone. "No, you can't have any!"

"I was talking about the ones on your back."

Twilight looked at her Alicorn wings. "Oh, yeah."

"So, can you make some Alicorn wings for Rarity?"

"I don't know how to. Plus, you know Rarity suffers from aviophobia."

"She does?"

"Yes, she does. You weren't at the Best Young Flyers' Competition, were you?"

"I don't even have wings! I sure wish I did, though."

"I don't know a spell to give dragons their wings. Maybe you have to earn them, but I can't let you do that again after the Dragon Migration that one year."

"I don't wanna find out how to be a dragon, I just want my frickin' wings!"

"Spike, there is no need to shout."

"How about the spell you finished when you became a princess?"

"That's it! Maybe that spell MADE me a princess! Let's see if I remember..." She began the spell.

* * *

From all of us together,

Together we are friends.

With the marks of our destinies made one,

There is magic without end!

* * *

She saw pretty colors. Her heart was beating really fast. She screamed, and her voice was cracking. She realized what she has done. The spell didn't change her, Princess Celestia did. And now Twilight Sparkle was Rainbow Dash. Then the REAL Rainbow Dash came in.

"Hey, Fluttershy!"

Twilight then realized she was Fluttershy. "Princess spell."

"Huh?"

"See, I'm really Twilight Sparkle, but I did that spell and now I'm Fluttershy!"

Then the REAL Fluttershy came in. "Hey, Fluttershy!"

"Hi."

"How are you doing?"

"Not paying any attention to the situation."

* * *

Meanwhile, at Sugarcube Corner, Sweetie Belle was ready for the coffee drinking contest. Doctor Whooves was the judge.

"And Apple Bloom and Scootaloo said I couldn't!"

"Hey, Sweetie Belle. It's obvious why you're here. To get your cutie mark. Well, you won't!"

Sweetie Belle knew this voice anywhere. It was...

...Diamond Tiara.


	3. Stop Coffee-ing Me!

Sweetie Belle couldn't believe her senses. Who died and made her Queen of Caffeinated Beverages? (Christopher World Peace)

"Even I'm surprised. I thought you hated coffee!"

"Shut up, Diamond Tiara."

"My daddy signed me up for the coffee drinking contest because he thought I was the best coffee drinker ever!" This quote resulted in a flashback. Diamond Tiara takes a sip of coffee, then performs a spit take. Her dad replies sarcastically, "You're an amazing coffee drinker. Maybe you should join the Olympics in-"

"Shut up!" The flashback ends.

"He was being sarcastic," Sweetie Belle responded.

"Oh, shut up!" Diamond Tiara shouted. "I am WAY better at drinking coffee than you! I'll bet you don't have an epic training montage!"

"I do too!" Sweetie Belle protested. She played a video on her iPad, which was just her twerking while "We Can't Stop" by Miley Cyrus played in the background.

"Pathetic," replied Diamond Tiara. "Speaking of, I can't believe you still can't do magic!"

"Well, you must not have enough knowledge," Sweetie Belle boasted. "I can do a LOT of magic."

"Name one trick."

"Well, I can pull a rabbit out of a hat."

"Are you kidding me?"

"I didn't wanna have to do this, but you leave me no choice." Sweetie Belle brought out a rat, and uttered an incantation. "Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid fat rat yellow!" Nothing happened. "CRAP!"

"We're starting. Please take your positions," Doctor Whooves broke up the argument, and the fillies went to their separate places. They began the contest. Eventually, they went to 28 cups. Midway through the 29th cup, Diamond Tiara crashed. As she and Sweetie Belle were the last two contestants, Sweetie Belle won the whole thing.

* * *

Meanwhile, at Maxwell House (no product pla-Good to the last drop-cement intended)... something was happening at a conference. Also, the guys from "The Office" were working there for some reason.

"Hmm..."

"What is it, Michael?"

"I'm not sure. I feel... a disturbance... or maybe it's that egg that blew up in my pocket."

"What?"

"Nothing... you know, this one time I lost my identity..."

* * *

OK, enough of that joke. Back to the contest. Sweetie Belle was excited that she won, and also because she drank 29 cups of coffee. "I just KNOW I have a coffee cutie mark! Now it's time to stare at my flank in awe." She stared, only to see nothing there but a pure white hide. "Aww... wait! I don't give a crap! I won something for once! Now to go back and tell Apple Bloom and Scootaloo!" She paused. "But first..." She made an immediate trip to the bathroom.


	4. The Princess Trap

Twilight Sparkle a.k.a. Fluttershy I mean Ditzy Doo (that's right) cast the spell backwards to use as a counterspell. Luckily, she transformed into Hermione Granger, so she could use magic.

* * *

!dne tuohtiw cigam si erehT

eno edam seinitsed ruo fo skram eht htiW

sdneirf era ew rehtegoT

rehtegot su fo lla htiW

* * *

Unfortunately for her, it didn't work. So she seeked Zecora the Rhyming Zebra to work out her mystical mumbo-jumbo on her.

"There is this one chant from my home universe that can cure pretty much any curse," Zecora rhymed. "Oculus reparo!" Nothing happened. Then Twilight turned into BronyDanceParty. "Well, that didn't work. Now you're turning into OC's!"

Twilight Sparkle went all over the world and occasionally crossed over other works of film (Go Team Jacob!), but not even Princess Bubblegum could cure her. Twilight gave up. She got really mad. And when she gets mad, she does karaoke. But when Twilight Sparkle does karaoke, it's not pretty. One time she was singing The ABC Song, and she accused the kids of singing off key and said they have no academic knowledge.

Luckily, she stopped turning into OC's and changed into Octavia, so she actually had musical talent. She totally ignored the fact that Spike was napping, and started singing. Right before the main chorus of "Livin' on a Prayer", she turned into DJ PON-3, the musical Unicorn, but she didn't give a hay. It turns out that the chorus was actually the counterspell, and she turned back into Twilight Sparkle.

Then Spike woke up from his nap.

"Twilight, you woke me up! You know how much everyone hates your karaoke!"

"Spike?"

"Yes?"

"You need to stop taking your 3-day naps."

Just then, Princess Celestia showed up. And she was PISSED.


	5. Sweet Nothing

Sweetie Belle may have fell asleep in the outhouse. That thing was frickin' COMFY! Also, she had a hangover.

She woke up and realized that she finished peeing four hours ago, and that she was not supposed to be there. "What was I supposed to be doing again? Oh, yeah! She remembered that Cutie Mark Crusaders meeting at 8pm (convenient timing also go Team Jacob!).

She ran over to the clubhouse, but needed coffee. She made it, though.

She remembered Robert Frost's words of wisdom.

* * *

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

AND IT HURT, MAN! Really bad! Rocks, thorns, and glass, my pants broke! Waaah! NOT COOL ROBERT FROST!

~Kid President

* * *

Well, that experience went well. She made it faster, and with 17 seconds to spare. The Cutie Mark Crusaders, however, felt uncomfortable. Suddenly, the end credit music from Coraline began to play.

"Sweetie Belle?" Apple Bloom questioned.

"What's with the ominous-looking smile?" Scootaloo referred to the fact that Sweetie Belle looked more like Twilight Sparkle from Lesson Zero.

"Nothing..." Sweetie Belle replied.

"How was the contest?" Scootaloo asked.

Sweetie Belle just made a light sound effect. "Psssssssssss..."

"That tells me nothing!" Scootaloo sarcastically cheered.

"I think she meant she went potty," Apple Bloom corrected Scootaloo.

"Either way, she's not acting right..." Scootaloo said as the scene transition began.


	6. Celestial Affairs

**[A/N] Hey, guys and gals alike. Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I was on vacation. Well, I'm back, and writing more FanFictions. I have decided to bump the rating up to T for mild adult (non-explicit) content and a little bit of language. Like, minor swearing. And a coffee hangover. Also, I just wanted to point out that my brother (the guy who wrote Valen-toons day) now has his own account on . His pen name is boygotswag123. He has one story about Arthur. Also, for me, look for Sid the Science Kid FanFictions coming soon. Well, that's enough bullcrap for this author's note. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program already in progress. **

* * *

Twilight Sparkle stood at her doorstep in front of the Princess, who was seething with rage. Her eyes literally had flames in them. She wasn't Lesson Zero angry, or even The Crystal Empire: Pt. 2 angry (in a realistic way, if this were actually in Canterlot and not the door). She was REALLY mad. She then made a statement using the Royal Canterlot voice.

"TWILIGHT SPARKLE! HOW DARE YOU ABUSE YOUR POWERS AS A PRINCESS! THIS IS A CLEAR VIOLATION OF YOUR AGREEMENT! I DEMAND TO SEE YOU RIGHT NOW!"

She was so mad that she turned into Rapidash. "What are you doing?" Twilight asked.

"I DON'T CARE. I LOVE IT! ALSO, EVERY BRONY AND PEGASISTER KNOWS RAPIDASH IS CANON, SO THERE'S NO POINT IN HATRED."

"Oh, I remember..."

"SHUT UP! YOU HAVE ABUSED YOUR OWN MAGIC AND SANG HORRIBLE KARAOKE TO ELIMINATE THE EFFECTS OF THE SPELL YOU APPLIED!"

Twilight objected. "I object!"

Princess Celestia was Princess Celestia again. Her mane and tail were all black and charred. "May I hear?"

Twilight made Bambi eyes at Celestia. "I was just gonna give Spike his wings..."

Celestia tried to resist Twilight's cuteness. "No, please, with the eyes and- AAAH!" She gave in. "Fine. I'll let you off the hook, but you've been warned..." Celestia walked back slowly for effect.

"WAIT!" Twilight shouted, just before the Princess left.

"What could you possibly want now?"

"Do you know any spells to give a dragon his wings?"

"Couldn't you look in one of your books?"

"None give me any sort of help."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm quoting this from a research guide, 'Dragons are too ferocious for safe study by ponykind, so no known researcher has given us much in-depth information about the lifestyle of dragons.'"

"Well, I don't know crap about dragons, so I guess you're out of luck."

Twilight was disappointed about the wing situation, because Spike had ate the last one.


	7. The Cosmic Owl

The Cutie Mark Crusaders were thinking of ways to earn their cutie marks.

Scootaloo had one. "How about pot-"

"NO!" Apple Bloom replied.

"I was about to say pottery."

"Oh..."

Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle was crashed on the floor, surrounded by plates of pancakes. She dreamed she was covered in maple syrup.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders eventually decided to write Hunger Games fanfictions. 22 minutes in, Sweetie Belle woke up, and immediately started drinking maple syrup straight from the jug.

"Why are you drinking maple syrup?" Apple Bloom asked.

"The Cosmic Owl gave me a message!" Sweetie Belle answered.

"Cosmic Owl?" Scootaloo started to question Sweetie Belle's sanity.

"Who the hay is that?" Apple Bloom joined Scootaloo in her rant.

"A giant owl in space who is the creator of life as we know it," Sweetie Belle replied.

"Okay..." Scootaloo said after a 3-second pause. They continued to write.

* * *

After working for about 3 hours, the Crusaders were finished.

Apple Bloom presented hers first. "The-" was all she wrote.

Scootaloo then showed the Crusaders a picture of a mockingjay. It was quite complex.

Sweetie Belle presented a much better fanfiction where Katniss and Peeta are kissing really hard for, like, 4 hours in the Hunger Games. They asphyxiated and died without a cannon, because the Capitol refused to give them the glory. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo stared in amazement as Sweetie Belle said, "The end."

Then the screen changed into a shot of Twilight Sparkle in her library, never to show the Crusaders for the rest of the episode.

* * *

[A/N] I'm sorry I was taking so long. I was at school. I'm also sorry that this was a short chapter. THAT I cannot explain. Also, I'm still working on Sid the Science Kid FanFics. Also, my brother abandoned Valen-toons Day, so he's forcing me to continue it. He won't be on boygotswag123, either. So, bye.


End file.
